I Hate Days Like These

I try to imagine my life without days like this. Without the conflict, the struggle and the fighting. They are few and far between now, we have come a long way since the beginning, but when they do come, I wish them to end. Some say it is due to PTSD, perhaps the lack of reintegration skills, maybe lack of sex, in influx of testosterone, whatever it is, it hurts me to the core.

I can feel it coming, like the scent of a storm brewing in the distance that is heading straight for you. All I can do is try to quiet it or help to diffuse it to the best of my ability, but still it comes raging and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This time it was a culmination of film negatives, memory and the topic of our ten year vow renewal. It started last night, with the ripples on the surface gradually building and gaining strength. I asked him which dress he might like for the simple ceremony that we were planning in Colorado for next September. Apparently, we had two different opinions and then things started to break down.

I woke up this morning, refreshed and brewed us some coffee for a rare morning with the opportunity for us to share a cup in bed before the kids woke up and demanded breakfast. I thought it was fine, but I was wrong. The anxiety and tension was mounting, growing more tangible by the minute, until it finally erupted after breakfast with the film. It was not really the film, it just happened to be there and so it got the brunt of i, along with me, Curtis and Lili. I tried to diffuse the situation by taking a walk with the kids and the dogs, which only served to escalate the situation even more. When he gets to this point, there is really nothing that can be said or done by anyone to settle it. He is raging. It's as cut and dry as that. No matter what I say or don't say, do or don't do, react or don't react, it makes it worse. I just sort of become a frozen statue locked in this space of helplessness.

I take the yelling, the criticism, the raging, all because I know that this is not who he is, it is simply a product of what he has become. Some might think that it is an abusive relationship- emotionally at least. To them I say they could not be more off base. The circumstances are so drastically different- he simply does not know why he does this, what it is about or why he calms down just as abruptly as he starts. This is the behavior that he came home with after serving his country. This is what the face of a veteran looks like, even when the outer shell looks whole and in tact. This is what our young men and women, along with those who love and support them, deal with.

Sometimes, when we have days like this, I feel defeated, exhausted and angry. Angry, not at him, but at why I can look at him and see him, but know that he is fundamentally different now than when he left for his deployments. The wars have affected the soldiers tremendously, of that there is no doubt. But we all must realize that the healing process goes far beyond the scars that we can see with our eyes. We need to be patient, kind, understanding. But at the same time, we also must be firm and steadfast if there is to be healing. The family has also suffered great wounds in this war. We have our own scars that are not visible. We also struggle.