Reflections on 2010

There is not just one thing, or even a few things, that I have learned from 2010. There are so many things that I am going to change about my life in the upcoming new year. But perhaps the biggest lesson that I have taken is that when one tries to keep up with what is new, exciting and wondrous, you can only come up short.

I bought Christmas this year entirely on credit. I live each month paying the bills and feeling empty and depleted. I feel twenty times worse after I buy something on credit than the good feeling that I had initially when I bought it. It is a cycle that I must fight to stop, knowing that it is somewhat of an addiction of mine. I have let what truly matters to me fall by the wayside because I feel an overwhelming urge to buy and give to other people, shop for sales and get the best deal. I feel an amazing sense of pride knowing that I have had so many wonderful people who have contributed to the happiness and success of our family, and yet, my urge to reward those efforts are taken away when I do foolish things.

This year has been trying in many ways. I have let myself go not only physically, but mentally as well. I have put so much energy and time into trying to put up an image that is what I think others want to see instead of allowing my true self to shine through. My health has taken a back burner, my happiness has faded, my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. I have become clouded in my morals and values that I so strongly believe in. I am only an outward shell of the person I used to be and I have had enough. Realizing that I am the only one to blame for my unhappiness, I must work harder to change what I have let myself become.

With that in mind, I can only move forward and make it right again. I must face the true reasons for my behaviors, my deteriorating health and my unhappiness. That being said, I can move forward with making it right again. For 2011, I vow to become less of the person I think others want to see and more of the person that I want to be. I vow to stop putting my family in financial jeopardy for a deal. I commit myself to making a difference in the lives of others in the community, in my family and in the world. I will spend more time being and less time doing. I will be a better mother, wife, friend and teacher. I will work diligently to get out of debt instead of going further in the red. I will be healthier in mind, body and spirit.

Once I set my mind to something, I must work to follow through. Knowing that the road ahead will not be an easy one, I am looking forward to the challenge of making myself right in my universe again. I was once a happy, motivated, healthy person and somewhere along the way I have lost that person. I have become wrapped up with materialistic things, holding on to hate, anger and frustrations, seeing what I need instead of what I have already. It is a lonely world that I have created for myself. I know that I can accomplish the large task at hand. I have an amazing support network of family and close friends. I am intelligent and diligent, stubborn and committed. I will get to where I want to be and regain the woman that I lost, piece by piece, so long ago.