Loneliness is one of those things that tend to creep up on you and before you know it you are stuck with this feeling of sadness. I woke up last week feeling like the whole world was on one side and there I was, with one other person on the other side. I look in envy at the friendships and relationships that other people have and wonder why it never quite works out for me. Maybe I just get too invested. Maybe I am picking the wrong people. Maybe I will never know.
When I was 12, I met the dearest, closest friend a girl could ever ask for. She was beautiful, smart, wickedly funny and exceedingly popular. Being the new girl in a very small school the odds were not in my favor, but she and I hit it off instantly (almost) and have remained the closest of friends through boyfriends, college, military life, over continents, marriage, children and through adulthood. We are going to be 30 this year and it is amazing that this one person knows all that I have hidden and how to call bullshit on me when necessary. I consider this one of my greatest gifts in life along with my family. Through it all, she has been there for me and I for her, no matter how many miles we had between us.
I am a funny person with many talents and way too much loyalty sometimes. I often let people use and take advantage of my generous spirit with little regret after the fact. I feel that people come into our lives to teach us something and often times we have no idea what that lesson is until after the fact. If you do not hear and receive that message, you will be presented with the same people, situation or experiences until you get it through your skull that there is something you are supposed to learn. So here I am, wondering what the message is that I am supposed to be learning- what does the universe have to teach me about friendship that I don't already know? What am I missing?
Perhaps it is that my energy is best spent helping people whom I have no connection to. Or maybe I should learn to pick my friends better. Or maybe that I should stop being so damn nice because I end up with the short end of the stick. I honestly have no idea. When I was in the Army, a friend whom I worked with was having financial troubles. She was the same rank as I was at the time, had a husband and two kids with another on the way. She didn't know how she was going to pay rent and feed her family. I couldn't help but feel for her, who wouldn't feel bad for someone in such a spot? So one day I gave her my ATM card and pin number and told her to take whatever she needed to get through the month. She ended up taking just over $1,000 and I wound up with her dog. Les than two months later, she was gone and I was out a grand and stuck with a horribly mean dog. Lesson learned? Not quite...
I am a pleaser, a fixer and a nurturer by nature. Opposites attract. What better companion to a pleaser than a user? A match made in heaven. So these are the kind of people that I am always attracting, in classes, as friends and even family. Honestly I love doing for other people. I feel a purpose, I feel good in my soul and I honestly think that I am doing the right thing. Every time. Burn. It's like a ride at a carnival; you pay the money, get on and in two minutes it's over and you are left feeling like you just wasted your time standing in line for an hour to ride the worst ride in the whole damn place. Not fulfilling at all. Yet for some reason, you are willing to take a chance at more rides, sometimes it feels worth it but mostly it is less than mediocre.
This is the gamble if life, love and friendship. Sometimes, like with my dear friend from seventh grade, it is an amazing gamble that you win big on. Other times you are left longing to erase the memory of the pain and stupidity you feel at being so used. Every time I get hurt I tell myself I am done. I am no longer going to put myself out there to be hurt, used and made a fool of. I will no longer try to make plans (what is the point when I make enough food to feed an army and my kids & husband are stuck eating it all for a week) only to be canceled on. I will not try to coordinate an event, throw a party or plan a family get together. But I can guarantee that if someone needs me to bring a dish, take pictures, watch their kids or has an urge to vent, guess who will be called. And I will do all of those things, and likely ten times more, because I know that is what I do best. I help. I contribute. I never show up without a little something for the hostess or some food or drink to contribute. My mother taught me well and I am ever so thankful for that. Always bring something and always, ALWAYS write a Thank You note by hand. I will continue to be generous and thoughtful. I cannot change that, it is simply who I am. When I get hurt I will cry, I will rage, I will swear off people forever... again. But I will find someone else who I can get along with, help and try to contribute something positive to their life.
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